Curled Up on The Couch With Lisa
Plaintalk on Real Issues
Living With Past Hurts?
Good day☺ I hope your week was perfectly beautiful.
I’d like to tell you a story……
Jael spent her early years in several homes. Because of an abusive father and drug befuddled mother, Jael was passed around from home to home. Some homes were homey, some homes were hellish. It was only when she turned 12 that Jael was finally settled in a home with a father and a mother and three children – 2 boys and a girl who were all older than Jael. The father and the mother spent all their time working and trying to make ends meet so they were practically unavailable most times. They were never ever unkind but Jael lived in perpetual fear of being abandoned yet again and, she had no one to share those fears with. Her “siblings” pretty much did their own thing with their own friends – occasionally including Jael but mostly not. And so, Jael grew up, left home and started out on her own. When she was 22 she met and after a short courtship, married Kyle. Kyle was everything that Jael dreamt of, everything she believed she wanted and needed. Kind, loving, romantic, selfless, with a gentle humour that acted as a soothing balm on Jaels worst days. Everything should have been perfect except for the fact that Jael was a prisoner. She lived everyday expecting Kyle to abandon her and so she insulated herself against that expected hurt by always being slightly aloof. She unconsciously decided that if she gave herself totally to this man, when he left (and of a certainty he would because everybody leaves anyway right?), she would surely shatter into so many millions of fine fragile pieces….as fine as dust! The deeper in love she fell with her husband, the more urgent the need to protect herself.
No matter how hard Kyle tried he could never shake the feeling that his and Jaels relationship was not exactly ‘superficial’ but it certainly had no depth either! Jael always seemed to hold herself apart from him and he could never understand why. He would ask Jael over and over what was wrong? Did he do anything wrong? Was she hurt about something? But he would not get any satisfactory answer. After about 8 years he decided that he had had enough and their marriage nearly came to an end. It was only the firm intervention of a family friend that saw both Kyle and Jael being introduced to a Christian counsellor and, going for counselling. That was when both Kyle and Jael began to understand things and the long and difficult process of healing began.
Jael could not give what she did not have, she had never truly experienced love therefore how could she identify it, receive it or give it? Her past very nearly destroyed her future. Fear and insecurities from way back dictated her present day responses. Jael is and was who many of us are today. We have camped on the vast fiery plains of hell itself and returned broken and wounded and feel that this is how it is to be for all the days of our lives. Because we have been hurt, abandoned, rejected, dismissed, ignored, beaten and broken, we build very high walls around ourselves that not only keep people out, but they also lock us in. We look at how life has been and feel that this is how it is meant to be. It has been ugly and it will always be ugly. Right? No! That is very wrong!
“And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.”” Revelation 21:5a AMP
When I decided that I would really like to know Who exactly is Father God, I truly battled. I subconsciously saw Him in the exact same light as I did my dad. I felt that whenever I did something wrong or sinful that all I could expect was a truckload of wrath and retribution. When I eventually realized that my perception of Father God was damaging my relationship with Him, I fell on my knees and cried out with all I am “Fix Me!!!!” At no point and time did I ask Father God to fix my dad, or help me understand why things had to be the way they were, or even help me to forgive my dad or my uncles that had molested me….I simply cried out for Father God to fix me. I acknowledged that if I was ever going to move on with my present and my future, I had to release the baggage of the past and allow Father God to make me over again.
Jeremiah 18:1 – 6 speaks about a potter and this potter has in his hands a clay vessel that is marred. I used to wrestle with this verse because I felt that since Father God had made me in His Image and Likeness – just like Him, and I hadn’t abused anyone, I therefore was not the marred vessel – the people that had abused me where the ones in need of remaking. What after all, had I ever done to hurt anyone the way that I had been hurt? But, when I sat down and really looked at that portion of scripture, when I really and intensely studied it, I found that I wanted to be that clay vessel because it was in the absolute best position….it was in the Potters Hands!! Can you think of a better place to be? That was precisely where I needed to be! There that vessel nestled, safe and secure in the Hands of its Maker, secure in the knowledge that whatever remaking, rebuilding, reglazing, rewiring, retiling, rejoining, recreating that needed to be done, would be done with the sole purpose of making that vessel into a far better version than it had ever been before! And I knew, I knew that I needed that! I didn’t just want it…I needed it!
So often we look at how rotten our lives have been and we choose to retain negative lessons from there. Don’t trust anyone. Don’t let anyone get close enough to hurt you. Everyone is a liar. Everyone is unfaithful. Everyone eventually leaves…..the list goes on and on. We choose to give the past such absolute power over us that we literally fail to live in today, we fail to eagerly anticipate tomorrow. And then of course, we also tend to lay and allocate blame. He did this, she said that but, the truth, no matter how bad the circumstances, is simply this…..what happened, happened!! There is nothing any of us can do to change the past, nothing at all but, we can make the determined effort to change the future.
”Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life]. 2 Corinthians 5:17 AMP
I’d like to ask you to picture this with me……
Father God is walking to and fro, seeking those that need His help and as He is walking, He glances down and sees something lying in the dust at His Feet. He reaches down and tenderly picks it up and examines it. Lying in the Palm of His Hand is a butterfly. Dusty, torn and tattered wings flutter weakly and this butterfly’s breaths are barely discernable (even to The only Potentate). As He gazes down at this broken butterfly, it turns its tear stained face to gaze into His Glorious Eyes and whispers “Help Me”. Softly and with infinite love Father whispers back “I Am Here Little One.” Then slowly and gently He begins to knit those tiny wings back together again, slowly and with minute attention to detail He closely examines every inch of that butterfly careful not to miss a single wound. It takes some time but eventually He has repaired every damaged inch of the butterfly then, He leans in close, blows the dust off and gives little butterfly a tiny kiss and slowly, imperceptibly an amazing transformation begins to take place. All the dull, dirty faded colours begin to glow and almost pulsate with an unseen life. Slowly those tiny wings unfurl and reveal vibrant iridescent shades of blues, purples and the purest white glowing and perfect. That little butterfly smiles up at Father God, whispers “thank You Daddy” and flutters off into the bright blue of the overhead sky.
That butterfly is you. That butterfly is me. Father God is the only One who can truly mend us and make us whole. I carry many scars and so most likely, do you. However, I have come to view my scars with pride, they are my battle scars, my reminders that I am far tougher than whatever and whoever tried to break me. The little blue butterfly is bright, beautiful and riddled with scars. Scars that will forever tell a story.
As I end this particular blog, I cannot do so without telling you about the awesome, great and unfathomable faithfulness of Father God. In crying out and asking Him to fix me, He did just that…is still doing it actually but, He did so much more! Father God allowed me to begin to understand my dads’ early life, He restored my relationship with my paternal relatives and they revealed so much to me of the terrible abuse that my dad and his younger siblings endured. They told me things that broke my heart and made me ache for that young boy who was often beaten till he lost consciousness, often ostracized, born with a speech impediment that made him the butt of maliciousness and cruelty, forced to grow up too early and fend for, provide for his mother and younger siblings and educate them too….a young boy that never felt, experienced or even truly knew what love was! I mourned my dads’ loveless upbringing and, I understood. It is impossible to give what you don’t have. It is impossible to recognize what you have never seen. In healing me Father God was also faithful to heal us!!!! I was Blessed to have just about 2 decades of a good relationship with my dad. It certainly would not have won any Father – Daughter awards but, it was beautiful in its own right. On his death bed my dad held my hand and whispered “Please forgive me” and, with a heart bursting with love for my dad….I held him tenderly and thanked Father God for allowing that moment.
Will you let Father God heal you?
Be Blessed
Lisa